Smokey Mountain Breakdown

I've officially moved downstairs for the time being--until the guy comes to fix the AC or the first freeze--whichever comes first. I can't sleep up there in the heat with the door closed and if I leave it open, the giant hornets come in the bedroom.

I go up to bed the other night and they were everywhere, swarming all over the lights, in the bathroom--it was like a horror movie. And it was an insomnia night where I'd finally gotten the urge to sleep at 4 a.m. It called for drastic measures. I went down and got the big vacuum cleaner with the hose attachment. Then I had to suck them out of the air. They are so big that they can fly against the suction so you have to hit them just right to pull them out of the air. All the while the rest of them are buzzing around like hummingbirds. I vacuumed 15 of them out of the bedroom. So. I give up. I'm downstairs on the couch where it's cool. The upstairs is now closed off.

Next place I live--fewer types of wasps and hornets please.

I have a big chuck of Porn and Donuts for you today. You'll see why--there's a gag that I can't break up. And this is the end of the bit I have written. So from here on out--The HOT Light will be on--all new, all hot, all steaming fresh Porn and Donuts.


*********************


“So who’s your friend?” Lucius growled through a mouthful of doughnut.

Kellie looked at him in warning.

“So is this your cousin?” The cop asked, looking at Lucius.

Lucius poured more sugar into his coffee, shredding the packets open. He was up to six at this point. He picked up his spoon and rattled it around in his cup.

“Yes!” Kellie said as she directed a surreptitious kick to Lucius’ calf. “Luke, this is our cousin Jack. He’s related to us through Uncle Jimmy’s second wife’s nephew’s son. You know, the one who calls square dances?”

Lucius looked blankly at her. First, because she had called him “Luke” and secondly, because he had no idea what she was talking about. He was concerned she identified this cop as a cousin.

“Hi, I’m Jack Hensley." He laughed. "I don’t get it either how the womenfolk keep track of who’s related to who.”

Lucius gave a small shrug and finished off the rest of his doughnut. He took a slug of coffee to wash it down. He realized he had used too much sugar, but he did not want anyone to notice. Some of it splashed in the white saucer when he slammed the cup down.

“Hey, Luke,” Kellie turned to him saying, “Jack here says there was a robbery down the street and get this--they made off in a Krispy-Kreme truck. Isn’t that a hoot?”

Lucius stuck one of the apple-filled in his mouth to give him time to think. The cinnamon and powdered sugar stuck to his upper lip and the hot filling burnt his tongue. He dropped his head and looked at the cop from the corner of his eye.

“Yeah, the dispatcher said this idiot had a blow-up sex doll attached to him.” Jack laughed. “That’s not something you see every day,” he sniped.

Lucius’ face flushed with anger and embarrassment. He poured out half of the too sweet coffee into his saucer and waved the waitress over to top his cup up.

“Yeah, well, maybe there was a reason. Like maybe he couldn’t help it. You know, he mighta planned it that way.”

Kellie gave him her “shut up” look.

Jack cocked his head, frowning at Lucius. “You think?”

Lucius pushed his plate of doughnuts away. He was pissed at Kellie for chatting this cop up. “Have you got the money? I’m going to go ahead and pay the bill.”

Kelly pulled a few bills from her pocket and handed them to Lucius. “Here you go. But I’m going to finish my coffee before we go.”

“Fine.” Lucius stood abruptly. He started to move around Kellie’s stool, but his foot had become tangled in the strap of her duffle bag. He scrambled to gather his balance but sprawled across the black and white floor, sliding across the slick surface. The bag followed him as far as it could, before hanging on Kellie’s footrest. The zipper broke open from the strain and a few fat wads of bills spilled onto the floor.

Kellie looked down and said, “Oops.”

Officer Jack Hensley knelt to retrieve the bag before he registered what he was seeing. When he did, he looked up and locked eyes with Lucius.

Kellie’s foot connected with Officer Jack’s forehead shoving him off balance. He tumbled back on his butt. Lucius scooted backwards on his rear and Kellie jumped to her feet, heaving the bag up on her shoulder.

“Lucius--get up and run!” she yelled.

Jack reached for his taser. Lucius feared he was going for his service revolver.

“Kellie, go!” Lucius staggered to his feet.

Jack pulled the taser from his belt and pointed it at Lucius. Kellie lifted the duffle bag and brought it down on the cop's head at the same moment he fired the taser. The probes missed Lucius, sinking instead into the cop’s thigh and calf. Jack floundered and jerked on the floor and the weapon fell from his hand.

Kellie picked up Lucius’ bag from under his stool and threw it to him. She hopped over the prone cop and sprinted to the door. She turned and hissed at Lucius, “Come on!”

Everyone in the shop stared at them, their eyes wide and frightened.

“Yeah, well,” Lucius said, pointing at the twitching cop, “that’s not something you see every day, is it?”

He made a small salute to the people in the shop and joined Kellie in the parking lot.

"Okay, let's get out of here." She said scanning the vehicles parked there.

"Wait a minute." Lucius turned away from her and dashed back inside the shop.

He ran over to the cash register, stepping over the cop, and laid a hundred dollar bill on the counter.

“Keep the change.” He smiled crookedly at the waitress who remained frozen in the same spot, a coffee pot in her hand. Lucius turned and looked down into Jack’s eyes. He stabbed his finger at the cop. “You ain’t my damn cousin, Sport. And you know what? I think. I think a lot."

A friend observed that the insects were going silent and the birds were gathering, talking in their little groups of leaving the mountains. It's early for this yet and I wonder if it has anything to do with the coming storm.

My story, Collectors, was accepted today by Up the Staircase. It's a newer publication but I've been following them from the start and have been really impressed. Go have a look at them--they have some gorgeous photos of Savannah and Bonaventure Cemetery. Bonaventure is where my family's burial plot is--and the cemetery made famous by Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil. I think it was pretty famous before.

When I was little, we would drive through there on Sundays and just drive around. We'd visit Gracie Watson's tomb. I grew up on tales on long-dead children. I never thought it particularly peculiar, though in hindsight, the fact that my mother and I haunted graveyards as often as we did--thoroughly enjoying the company of these ghosts, does seem odd.

Collectors is about another activity my mother and I sometimes enjoyed. You'll be able to read it on October 1st.

Back to Porn and Donuts!

*****************************

Officer Jack Hensley washed the sugar from his hands in the men’s room of the Kingston Pike Krispy-Kreme Doughnut shop. He was burning an ever-shorter candle at both ends to supplement his low cop’s pay. Despite several attempts at the detective’s exam, he had not yet passed. He stopped at the doughnut shop for a sugar and caffeine fix each night before going to his night job. Jack had turned sideways and sucked his gut in when Lucius locked eyes with him.

They looked at each other with equal discomfort before obeying the unspoken rule forbidding eye contact. Jack slid his utility belt back and forth as if adjusting it. Lucius fled into a stall and tried to lock the door behind him. He settled on sitting on the toilet with one hand propping the door closed. Jack cleared his throat and left the restroom.

Lucius sat on the commode feeling panicked. He stared at the broken latch on the door. His fingers tugged then twisted the lacy fabric hanging from his shirtfront. Sweat beaded on his forehead while he wondered what to do. The cherry scented deodorizer made him nauseous. The teddy broke free, taking a shirt button with it. He balled the scrap of fabric in his fist and shoved it in the wastebasket.

Lucius washed his face at the sink, tidying himself. He stuck his head under the faucet to rinse off the frosting still gluing his hair together. He dried off with paper towels then ran his fingers through his wet hair. The simple tasks calmed him a bit.

He took some comfort he had not heard any sort of disturbance from the shop. He took several deep breaths before leaving the safety of the men’s room and looked over to the service bar where Kellie sat.

The cop was leaning one hip against the counter talking to Kellie. She laughed at something he said and playfully touched his arm. Lucius thought she lingered a bit when she did so. Kellie leaned forward letting Jack get a good look down her shirt. Lucius forgot any fear he had been feeling about the cop.

He stomped over to his stool and sat down. He kept sullen eyes on his doughnuts then started dumping sugar packets into his coffee. He picked up one of the glazed and took a savage bite. The warm pastry stuck to the roof of his mouth like white bread.

“So who’s your friend?” Lucius growled through a mouthful of doughnut.

...things went decidedly southward.

Finally. I caught Chops to shear him. It was a spur of the moment thing where I took a bit of feed out to them and he let me grab him by the horns. Of course, I didn't have a rope with me to make a halter so I had to drag him to the porch by the horns. This is the thing about sheep. You can lead them quite easily by the neck or by a halter, but the horns--the handy thing to grab onto--causes them to dig their heels in and fight you the entire time. It's a contest of strength. I won in this case.

I get to this point in taking this enormous fleece off of him and I'm really excited because I think I may be able to take it in one big piece--when...

Okay, let me explain about Mutton. Mutton is the other, older sheep. Both are wethers--neutered boy sheep. Mutton, though he has no reason to, is in rutt. He'll actually go after anything. If the dogs didn't give him a hard time, he'd be up for a date with them. Anyway, Chops--the younger, pretty boy sheep--seems to be the object of Mutton's affections this go round(it was a goat, last time).

...Mutton comes charging down the hill baaing lustfully. Chops turns and baas back at him something like, "Aaack, leaf me lone!" Chops is at a considerable disadvantage, half-dressed and restrained by the horns--it's a recipe for disaster and he knows it, I know it and I've left the dogs inside, so no help from that quarter.

Before I know it, I'm in the middle of lanolin-drenched sheep on sheep homosexual sex. Chops is so not into Mutton "that way". I mean, they're friends and all, but Mutton is out of control. The clippers fall on the deck turning themselves on, I'm beating Mutton off Chops, Chops is bellowing, "Aaack! Leaf me lone!", the dogs are barking inside and I'm trying to get to the door to let Max out. Finally, I make it to the door, Chops by the horn in one hand--pushing Mutton off him--and Max comes to the rescue.

Needless to say, the fleece is no longer in one piece. Chops is so upset, he's got diarrhea over part of it. Fiasco. That's the only word for it. This fall may be the year to do the Kentucky barbecue experiment--with Mutton.

***********************

And now for some Porn and Donuts!

If you are just joining the SMB and are wondering what Serial Story Saturday is about--I'm serializing a novella I'm writing called Porn and Donuts and have been running it every Saturday over the summer. You'll have to back track to pick up the entire story. There is always a blog post in front of each installment to foil the sploggers.



She pulled into the parking lot of a Krispy-Kreme store and pulled around the back. The big “Hot” light glowed red in the front of the store. She backed the truck into a line of identical vehicles.

“I wonder what they have coming out of the fryer?”

“Will you focus for a minute, Lucius? How much money did we get?”

“Looks like about fifteen thousand. That ought to get Papaw a right nice stone.”

“Okay, this is the plan.” Kellie let the truck’s engine stall. “We are going to go in there and wait until the heat dies down. They won’t think to look for us there.”

Lucius went to the back and got his duffle bag and Lola. Kellie took the bag with the cash, zipped it up then crammed a fistful of bills in her pocket. Lucius moved towards the front of the van.


“What the hell do you think you are doing?” Kellie asked.

“What?” Lucius looked confused.

“You can’t take that damn thing in there!”

Lucius could see her reasoning. Lola was perhaps the most easily recognized of the three of them.

“But I can’t just leave her behind! I like her. I stole her fair and square.”

“Okay. Fine. But leave it here and we’ll come back for it when we leave.”

Lucius secured Lola in the passenger seat with the seat belt. Kellie pulled him down from the truck and they walked to the side entrance of the Krispy-Kreme.

The shop smelled of a mélange of grease, sugar and yeast, with a comforting perked coffee undertone. A conveyer belt clicked along behind a glass partition while another machine injected fillings into the filled doughnuts. Several large rolling bakery racks held cooling glazed doughnuts. It was modern, shiny and brightly lit. The white menu board was backlit over the server's work area. The trademark aqua green and red accented the black and white checked floor giving the place a hint of nineteen-fifties diner.

The usual sprinkling of parents with kids, college students, bleary-eyed shift workers and a few homeless were clustered around the booths. The counter, however, was free.

Lucius and Kellie came in with their duffel bags, like a pair of travelers just off the bus. A few of the customers glanced at them when they sat at the counter. A pudgy waitress in a paper hairnet came over to take their order.

“Welcome to Krispy-Kreme!” She chirped, revealing a mouth full of silver orthodontia. “What can I get you?”

“Coffee and two glazed, please.” Kellie ordered.

“And you?” The waitress’ eyes strayed to Lucius’ shirtfront, adorned with the sticky remains of Lola’s undergarment. She had seen stranger things at the doughnut shop so she did not mention it.

Lucius looked up at the menu items. “Ummm, Coffee and--what’s hot?”

“We have apple-filled and glazed hot right now.” The girl rattled off.

“Okay, I’ll have three of each.”

Kellie cut her eyes at Lucius.

“Lucius, sweetie, why don’t you go to the men’s room and get yourself cleaned up.” She stroked his thigh as an added incentive. “See if you can get that thing off your shirtfront.”

Her hand on his thigh delayed his ability to comprehend what she said.

“Lucius?”

“Oh. Right. On my way.” Lucius shoved his duffle bag under the stool before leaving.

He opened the door to the men’s room and confronted his worst nightmare.

I haven't been posting because I've been cranking on a graphics project that I' trying to get out of the way so I can put my full attention back on my writing. It's now clear that I'm not going to be able to do much more graphic art work. My good retina got so inflamed yesterday from the eyestrain that I freaked and bumped my prednisone way up. I think I may have this eye thing that only septuagenarians and occasionally people with lupus get. At least the pred seems to pull down the swelling or whatever is causing the crazy out of my mind pain. Writing, I can at least not look at the screen. There's no way I can do graphics without staring for long periods of time at stuff. Anyway. My eyes are practically bleeding from the graphics work and when I'm done all I want to do is lay in a dark place with ice on my eyes.

So has everyone been following the Olympics. That was some opening ceremony. I think they've set the standard way higher. Barcelona and Paris' were fabulous, but this one took the cake. And they seemed to have gotten rid of the omnipresent haze of smog over the city for that one night at least. The visibility was great.

Zhang created an amazing work of performance art and it just goes to show you what a director can accomplish with the resources of a nation and a blank check. Though I'm happy I wasn't one of the designers. I heard he changed his mind about the color of one set of costumes and ordered 2008 new ones done by the next night. I would have had kittens.

I, for one, welcome our Chinese overlords--especially now that they've lost those unattractive unisex Mou suits. The goose stepping soldiers did sort of creep me out. After the WWII thing--I think all militaries should have retired the goose step. I'm just sayin'. Hitler ruined it for everyone.

P & D?

*****************************


Kellie tried the ignition, and then pounded her fists on the steering wheel. The reek of gasoline flooded from the engine.

“Crap! Crap, damnit! Damnit to hell--” A stream of profanity burst free from her mouth. Lucius stared at her with wide eyes from behind Lola.

“Come on!” Kellie gave Lucius a push and they piled out of the red car into the middle of the street.

Kellie checked Bubba’s car, found it locked, and then ran over to the delivery van. She looked under the steering column and pulled free a fist full of wires.

Lucius stood in the middle of the road hugging Lola. Kellie cut her eyes at him in exasperation. He got the message and piled into the doughnut van just as she coaxed it to life.

The van lurched into the street, throwing Lucius into the back of the van. He landed on his rear and a palette of chocolate-iced crème filled fell on him. One of the boxes spilled open, smearing Lola’s front with icing and crème.

Lucius picked up a blob of crème from Lola’s nipple and sucked it off his finger. Kellie looked back briefly and snorted at him.

“Lucius! Now might be a good time to—uh--disengage yourself from your--friend there while I’m getting us out of here.”

Lucius considered the problem of Lola’s attachment and decided to remove her garment. The transparent synthetic material caught on everything. He squeezed Lola out of the red teddy, bending her in startling and unexpected contortions. He could see why some men might find her irresistible. The deflated teddy dangled from his shirtfront like shredded frills from his old prom tuxedo. Lucius plopped down in the passenger seat with a box of chocolate glazed.

He stuffed one of the doughnuts in his mouth and said, “What about your car? Aren’t they going to find us through it?”

Kellie made a hard left turn and the wheels squealed in protest. “Oh. That’s not my car. Get my bag and see how much cash is in there.”

Lucius dragged the bag over and started counting.
“What do we do now?” He lost his place counting and started over. His lips moved as he concentrated on the money.

“Well, the first thing we need to do is lose the doughnut truck. Then, we get a car and check into a hotel.”

Lucius stuck another doughnut in his mouth. He offered the box to Kellie. She grabbed one and held it in her mouth to make another hard turn before licking the frosting off. She chucked the naked doughnut out the window then sucked the frosting from her fingertips.

“So, where are we going to dump the truck?”

“Oh, I’d say this looks about right.”

Getting sick of the jigsaw puzzles yet? Cause I love them! I can make my entire life into a jigsaw puzzle. Or perhaps that's what happened a long time ago and I've lost a few pieces. I've sat out, half finished, on a card table in the spare room for way too long.

I'm getting close to the part where I'm going to actually have to write the end of P & D. That's why I started serializing it here--so I'd have to finish it. People love this story but I still think it's unpublishable. I've got much better stories out floating around that can't find homes.

Still pondering the change over to Wordpress. Losing my ranking is going to be a bitch. I probably should have disassociated myself from the huge loser that is Blogger a long time ago. On top of the spam thing--there's this thing with IE--which I don't use but know people who still, for some reason, use it. I guess if you are on DSL it doesn't matter how ponderous a browser is. And who can give up Sitemeter? TTLB uses it.

Anyhow--P & D.....



Lucius flattened himself into the door opening and tried to squeeze through it. He kept trying to push Lola away from him while looking dead into the barrel of Bubba’s gun.

“Su—s—s--s’not what it lo—lo—lo—uh--looks like.”

Bubba cocked the gun and walked towards him. He tilted his head to the side and aimed the gun gansta-style.

Lucius swallowed hard.

“Drop the bag,” Bubba gestured to the floor with the gun. “Slowly.”

Lucius shrugged the strap of the bag from his neck, but it was now hanging from the connection point of Lola and his shirt.

“Oh, fuck.” Lucius looked down to where the bag dangled between his and Lola’s unnaturally tapered legs.

Someone grabbed his shoulders and yanked him backwards, dragging him, Lola and the bag through the door. Lola gave a rubbery squeak of protest.

“Oh, no you don’t!” Bubba yelled from inside the store. The sound of an unloaded gun clicking through its cylinders sounded on the other side of the door. “Shit, shit, shit!”

“Get your ass together, Lucius.” Kellie said, hooking the strap of the bag back around his shoulder. Kellie jammed a piece of two by four she found on the street through the double handles of the door. She pushed Lucius in front of her and they ran to the red Fiesta.

Bubba raged inside the store. He rattled the jammed door then ran to the cash register. He scrambled around for his ammunition under the counter, bellowing like a mad bull.

Kellie dove into the driver’s seat of the Fiesta while Lucius tried to pack himself into the passenger side. Lola refused to cooperate and the bag of porn pressed against his scrotum. He closed the door, trapping one of Lola’s legs in the door. She squeaked in protest as she connected with the dashboard.

Kellie started the Fiesta with a clattering shudder. It spewed white smoke out of the tailpipe. She floored the accelerator and pulled out from behind the Krispy-Kreme delivery van. The Fiesta sputtered in protest, stalled out and blocked the driveway of Mistress Mona’s Lingerie and Adult Emporium.

I had to go to the doctor in Knoxville yesterday. It's sort of weird when they tell you--even if you know it already that you've reached the end of treatment options for a condition. I'm scared all the time now with every little pain I get in my head. You think--crap--is this it? Is this the moment I stroke out and completely lose some enormous part of me? With other stuff, you sort of know what's going to happen, but with clots--you just don't.

I got sort of upset at the doctor's office. I'm pretty good at hiding fear most of the time, but I'm less so now. I seem to cry at the doctor's more often now--which just makes them think I'm a nutter.

I guess that's why I haven't been blogging much.

I had them write down the names of the weird clotting things I have. I've now had both arterial and veinous thrombotic events--and that's not good. We are sort of in the praying the blood thinners hold stage of things. I'm on all of them.

Aside from the Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome, I've got Heterozygous PA1 4G/5G and Heterozygous MTHFR. Guess what I think MTHFR stands for?

They all still think I'm a drug fiend. I may have to leave this part of the country. I'm tired of being treated like a criminal because I hurt and asked for help. I've never gotten any help, so I'm not sure what their problem is.

Anyway, enough of that cheery subject. How about some Porn and Donuts?

*****************************

Bubba Rubin was halfway home before he reached for his cell phone and found it missing. He groped through the pile of junk mail and Hardee’s wrappers riding shotgun with him, searching for it.

“Awww, fuck.” Bubba wheeled the big Caddy, making a U-turn in the middle of Broadway to head back to the store. He traveled back using the side streets as he always did. Mrs. Bubba had asked him to pick up some items at the grocers and he had left his list. It did not take him long to get back.

He pulled into his parking place beside the store. The big Krispy-Kreme Doughnut van took up its usual two parking spaces across the street. The musician who lived in the loft space sometimes brought him day olds from his day job delivering doughnuts. Bubba heaved himself out of the Caddy and headed for the door.

Lucius and Kellie emerged from the Grotto just in time to see Bubba Rubin emerge from his vehicle. The cell phone shrieked, “Ding-da-da-Ding-da-da-Ding-ding-ding”.

They scrambled for a place to hide. Kellie dove into the center of one of the lingerie racks leaving Lucius to his own devices. Lucius looked around frantically. Finally, he wedged himself behind the Lola Delight Inflatable Pleasure Doll and tried to make himself small.

Bubba knew something was wrong when the door pushed open. He stalked in, his tall frame bristling with orange menace.

“Who’s there?” He looked around the dimly lit store, knowing something was not right. “I’m warning you--I got a gun.”

Bubba did have a gun, but it was behind the counter on the bottom shelf beneath the cash register. The cell phone started up again and Bubba moved behind the checkout counter. He found the phone, looked at the incoming number and answered. It was Mrs. Bubba.

“Hey Honey, Can I call you back? It looks like I’ve had a break-in. I got to call the police.” He reached down to the bottom shelf and slapped the gun on the counter. "Yes, yes, I'll be careful." Bubba tucked the gun in his waistband.

Lucius felt sick. He looked over at Kellie. She looked at him, jerking her head and raising her eyebrows. Lucius knew she was trying to tell him something; he just was not sure what that was.

Bubba walked out into the main part of the store. He rubbed a hand through his thinning orange hair before striding over to the beads hanging from the doorway to the Grotto. He looked in and saw the safe door hanging open. He disappeared into the dark room.

"Goddammit to hell!"

Kellie poked her head out from her hiding place and moved towards the front door, the duffel bag slung like a bandolier over her shoulders. She waved at Lucius to follow her.

Bubba rattled around in the back room cursing and slamming the safe door shut. It popped back open and he slammed it a few more times.

When Lucius eased from his refuge, he found the lace teddy on the Lola Delight doll entangled with his shirt buttons. He wiggled around to see if she would release her rubbery hold on him. Lola had found her man and was not going anywhere. Kellie opened the front door and turned to look at Lucius. She met Lucius' eyes and widened hers. Lucius lurched off the platform Lola stood on. Lola followed him and his duffel bag rattled into the wall. The stand holding Lola upright crashed to the floor.

Bubba charged out of the Grotto just as Kellie slipped out the door with the cash.

Lucius skittered toward the door, holding his vinyl hostage in front of him.

Bubba glared at Lucius before pulling the gun out of his pants and aiming it at him.

“You dumb fuck,” Bubba spat, “Do you think that damn doll is going to help you? I’ll blow your sorry ass to kingdom come!”

I've just not had much to write this week blogwise. I've been blowing my creative juices over on Zoetrope, so I am writing new stories--several really good ones this week. But I can't share them with you here because it limits where I can send them. But as soon as they are published, you'll get the links.

Friend Scott was supposed to be visiting this week. He wanted to come up and get Amos, his sort of dog. Amos is a dog, but he was only sort of Scott's. Scott is doing really well back in Greenville. He has a job at a stable working with horses which is his very most favorite thing. He's living over a stable in an apartment. A different stable than the one he works at. He's really coming out of his shell there and meeting lots of fun interesting people. He bought a horse. Which I think he's going to have to give up because he can't afford it, but it's not like he isn't around horses all day now. He still misses Grassy, but this is really all for the best. Nothing good could have happened here for him.

I hope he finds himself a nice doctor and settles down. Or a dentist.

Some P & D?

*****************************


Lucius and Kellie watched Bubba lock up. Lucius fiddled with the car's cobra head-shaped shifter, while Kellie slumped down in the driver’s seat and watched as Bubba drove away.

“Are you sure we should do this, Kellie?” Lucius had the jitters and felt like backing out of the plan. He pointed at the “protected by Brinks Security” stickers in the windows. “That place looks pretty well protected. What if we set the alarm off?”

“I told you I saw him punch the code in. Once we are in, we’ll disable the security and it will be easy-weasy.”

Lucius began to realize his girlfriend had hidden talents beyond working the system for drugs and money.

It was still light when Kellie and Lucius went up to the building, both carrying duffel bags. The street was deserted since it was an industrial area. Lucius trailed behind Kellie as they walked to the side door. She pulled a set of lock picks out of her bag.

“What the hell are those?”

“Shhhh.” Kellie fiddled with the lock of the side entrance. The lock opened and Kellie gave the door a shove. The humidity had swollen it shut. Kellie slipped inside, pushing aside a mannequin modeling a white see-through baby doll negligee with crotchless bottoms. Lucius squeezed through after her.

Kellie punched a code into the security panel to quiet the steady beeping. Lucius exhaled the breath he was holding.

Looking around Mistress Mona’s Lingerie and Adult Emporium, Lucius saw the left side of the store was dedicated to lingerie and clothing. The bulk of the inventory was lacy see-through things made of synthetic materials. Mannequins modeled a variety of styles, exposing a great deal of painted flesh-tone plaster, leaving little to the imagination. Lucius took an arrangement of straps, stainless buckles and rings from one rack of leather and leatherette items. He held it up to himself, but could not figure out what it was supposed to be or how it was worn.

Kellie rolled her eyes.

To the right, a newsstand with DVDs and magazines claimed most of that wall to the checkout register. In the corner, just beside the door, was a display featuring The Lola Delight Inflatable Pleasure Doll. She kept watch over the store with vinyl blue eyes and arched eyebrows. Her red lace teddy sported cutouts leaving her pointy breasts and flat ass exposed. Lucius could not shake the feeling she was staring at him as he raided the porn DVDs, throwing them into his bag.

Kellie headed toward the Grotto with Lucius tagging after her. The glass beaded curtain hanging from the archway jangled as she passed through the door. Lucius pawed them out of the way to follow her. Kellie ducked behind the display case, swinging the velvet painting of the Last Supper outward to reveal a safe.

“Crap!” Lucius dropped his bag on the floor. "You didn’t mention no safe!”

"Here, hold this for me." Kellie threw him a small flashlight. He fumbled in the darkness to catch it.

Kellie turned the tumblers with her ear pressed to the safe door. The safe popped open, revealing fat stacks of bills.

"Bingo." She muttered and tossed the wads of cash into her bag.

"Woo Hoo!" Lucius ran behind the counter. "Kellie, you are a genius!"

He grabbed her around the waist and lifted her up to kiss her. As his lips met hers, a cell phone went off in the store, loudly playing "Crazy Frog".

“Ding-da-da-Ding-da-da-Ding-ding-ding-ding--”

They froze in position for a moment, their eyes wide.

“Turn that damn thing off! I told you to leave it in the car!” Kellie pushed herself away from him.

“Uh…" Lucius stared at her. "I did leave it in the car.”

I'm dating this for yesterday. So sorry. Really, I'm sorry. Here's a chicken picture to show you how sorry I am--



Not enough? Here's another of the same chicken beating the crap out of the guineas--



Okay--we good?--Now for some Porn and Donuts:

*******************************

Mistress Mona’s Lingerie and Adult Emporium sat tucked away on an industrial side street on the north side of Knoxville and carried a selection of plus-size lingerie and fuck-me pumps in sizes up to 14DD in stock. A mixture of drag queens, strippers, working girls and lately, some straight-laced couples formed the clientele. The proprietor’s most recent marketing brainstorm, an entire back room devoted to Christian marital aides called “The Grotto of Earthly Delight”, targeted evangelical Christian couples. It was a real money-maker.

The sign over the door leading to the Grotto said, “Please! Married Couples Only!!!”

You could spot the ones coming to shop in the Grotto. The men, dressed in conservative chinos, polo shirts and women in matching sweater sets, looked furtive and blushed easily. Sometimes the ladies would come alone, clutching their handbags closely to their bosoms. They would pause outside the shop before entering, and then looked around for Mistress Mona.

Mistress Mona was never there. Mistress Mona was, in fact, Bubba Rubin, a freakishly tall, furry man with thinning orange hair and a ruddy complexion. The third generation in a respected family of Southern Jewish shopkeepers, his family tried not to think about him too much. Bubba did not make it to Temple often and had a fondness for Sonny’s pulled pork barbecue, as well as a prescription drug habit.

Biblical themes decorated The Grotto of Earthly Delight. The Garden of Eden was, of course, featured, but to offset any feelings of original sin that might evoke, a large airbrushed velvet painting of the Last Supper hung over the glass showcases filled with “helpmates for the marital bed”. The belly-buttons of the models on the packaging of items such as the Screaming Octopus and Japanese G-Spot Squirmy, had been taped over for modesty’s sake.

Bubba kept a large sum of cash stashed behind the portrait of the Last Supper for his informal check cashing business. He had just made a deposit to the bank of the Last Supper and was about to close up the store. He did not notice the beat up red Fiesta parked across the street when he got his blue Caddy to head home.

Lucius and Kellie watched Bubba lock up. Lucius fiddled with the car's cobra head-shaped shifter, while Kellie slumped down in the driver’s seat, watching as Bubba drove away.

I'm going to begin inflicting bad agricultural haikus upon you. People are always asking me about my poetry--or the notable lack thereof.

The truth is I'm a bad bad poet. I have trouble using language for language's sake. Poetry is something I put aside in my twenties when my angst cooled down to a small brick of charcoal needing too much lighter fluid.

This is Agricultural Haiku #1. Geese.

Anyway, what has brought to mind my poetic deficiencies is that I'm in the query process for my flash fiction chapbook, The Smoky Mountain Breakdown, A Chapbook of Appalachia. A chapbook is basically a small book. The manuscript is pretty much done, except for the tinkering I can't seem to stop myself from doing. I'm always writing more of these stories so I'll probably add more if the process goes on too long. Half of them are published already. Anyway, this is the little book you guys have been pestering me to put out.

I think it's going to be really great. I might even be able to get my old teacher, William Price Fox, to blurb it if he's still able. He's 82 now and I'm not sure how much longer he'll be around. He always did smoke too much. And--if they let me use Lee for the illustrations--I think it will be visually fun as well. Provided I can sweet talk her into it. All this is just wishful thinking at this point, though. I'm sure it's going to happen, and am working on it.

Which is what brings me back to bad poetry. Most of the chapbook publishers only do poetry. Or you have to pay them a reading fee and enter a contest. Have I mentioned I'm as poor as the people I write about? So, I'm thinking, if I can come up with enough truly bad agricultural haiku to do a chapbook with--I could submit it and when they write me the inevitable scathing rejection letter, I can write back--hey, could I possibly interest you in a chapbook of really wonderful Appalachian shorts? Yes? No?

I know what you really came here for today. You came for some Porn and Donuts, didn't you? Well, okay....

By the way, if you are just joining the blog and wondering what this is--every Saturday I run a segment of a novella I'm writing called Porn and Donuts. If you use the search bar to search "Serial Story Saturday", it should pull up all of the installments. They are difficult to find, tucked into journal posts, for a reason--sploggers and all that. Just look for the trucker girl in the donut.

******************************


“A heist?” It seemed like a big word for her to use.

She flashed the space between her front teeth and the dark gap just on the edge of her smile.

“Yeah, silly--we stage a hold-up! Look, I knows this guy outside of K-town. He keeps a gang of cash in his back room. Last time I was there making a delivery, I watched him punch in his code into the security system. It’ll be real easy. We just go there, break in and we’ll have that eight thousand dollars, and enough to get you a suit and rent a car.”

“Uh, I don’t know, Kellie,” Lucius said. He had been on the wrong side of the law for a long time. A bit of shoplifting here, some check kiting there and the ever-present drug use, but he never thought about robbing anyone.

“Aw, come on!” Kellie said, her eyes shiny. “It’ll be fun!”

“Fun? Robbing somebody? Why’d you want to do this anyway?”

Kellie punched him in the shoulder. “He’s my Papaw, too, dummy! Just think of it as my contribution to the family.”

“So, is this a house or what?”

“It’s a lingerie, adult novelty and check cashing shop.”

“You mean like a porn shop?” Lucius warmed to the idea.

“Well, sort of. They do have some dirty movies and magazines, but their main thing is accessories.”

“Accessories?” Lucius was not sure what she was talking about. He liked porn. He understood porn.

“Yeah, you know--what they call marital aides. Sexy underwear and nighties, costumes, vibrators--edible panties--that sort of thing.”

“Edible panties?” Lucius never gave much thought to such things. If it was on pay-per-view porn, it might have crossed his mind. It did not matter to him what they were wearing. He just liked looking at butts. Sexy underwear was fine, but Lucius was mainly interested in the taking off part.

Lucius knew his mother would not approve of such a place. The more he thought about it, the more this sounded like a place that not only ought to be robbed, but downright deserved it.

“I’m in. When do we leave?”

Kellie giggled. “I knew you’d see what a great idea it was.”

I was still upstairs doing my morning reading when Betsy called. I was pondering the weird dream I had in which snakes fled the light of a basement to congregate in the diningroom. I wish my dreams were more useful. Usually I remember them and ask myself, what am I supposed to do with this? And I'm trying to finish the last 100 pages of Murakami's Wind-up Bird Chronicles because Greenville County, TN public library needs their copy back.

I miss the call, but listen to the message. Betsy is on her way over with roosters. I had to listen a few times to get the rooster part. We'd talked about this but hadn't made plans. I guess she reached roosterus maximus and having caught the little bastards was bringing them directly over.

I'm okay with this. I'm quite happy. But I make it clear from the get-go.

"You do know--things get eaten here."

Not by me--though that has happened--but by the gentle woodland creatures. City folks have absolutely no idea how freaking savage nature is. I'm down to two guineas from the original six. They came up when they heard the roosters.

I love the sound of roosters in the morning. I like hearing them scratch around outside and watching the squabbles they inevitably get into. Even fat, placid standard roosters scrap now and again. Chickens really are like little dinosaurs. When they run you can see the movement and gait that you just know--because you've seen dinosaur skeletons--that the dinos must have had. When they fight, they rear their heads back and fan their hackles--puffing their breasts out. I like watching roosters. I like having them in the yard.

Ready for a little Porn & Donuts?

Lucius sat on the bed with his legs crossed and his bony knees poking outwards. He was nude and Kellie was in the shower. He heard her tuneless humming as he dialed his mother’s phone number on the cell phone. The phone rang and he waited for someone to pick up. The TV was showing the local news. He muted the volume.

“Hello?’ His mother’s voice trembled through the line. Lucius' shame made him queasy.

“Hey Mommy, it’s Lucius. I just got your letter.”

“Baby! It’s so good to hear your voice. I knew you’d come to the rescue.”

Lucius heard his mother call out to someone else in the house, probably his sisters, “It’s your big brother, and he’s going to help us!”

Lucius swallowed hard. He meant to come clean with his mother but the more she talked, the more spineless he became.

“Momma, Momma--you got to listen to me.”

“My own baby boy, comin’ to our rescue. When are you going to be getting here? I’ve got your old bedroom fixed up with new curtains and bed sheets and everything.”

Lucius cast his eyes down. He suddenly was aware of his nudity. It felt wrong talking to his mother without any clothes on. He grabbed a corner of the stiff hotel bedspread and covered himself.

He looked upwards as if the courage for truth would rain down on him from the stained popcorn stucco ceiling. He settled for more time.

“Momma, you got to give me a few days…maybe a week. I’m caught up in the middle of something right now.”

“Oh, Honey. We sure do need you. The funeral home keeps calling the house and I just don’t know what to tell them.”

“Momma, you just tell them I’m on the way. I promise. I’m coming. I’m going to fix this.” His eyes strayed to the television. A commercial for Los Tavernos Mexican Grill featured a blond man in a ridiculous sombrero backed by Mariachi band.

“Momma, the truth is, I’m out of the country. I’m in Mexico right now. It’s going to take me a while to get out of here.”

“Oh. Well. Okay.”

As they said their goodbyes, Kellie came out from the shower. Her towel was wrapped around her waist and her hair was plastered in places to her neck. Droplets of water beaded on her skin like they were sitting on a new paint job. Lucius felt the wrongness of looking at his naked cousin while talking to his mother. He felt a deep sense of relief when he hit the “end” button on the cell phone.

Kellie snapped the towel from around her waist and began drying her hair. She bent from the hips and shook her hair over her face. Her breasts bobbled back and forth under her.

“You know,” she said from underneath the veil of towel and hair. “I think I have an idea.”

She stood up, shifted her weight onto one leg, and tilted her head to the right.

Lucius looked at her, seeing only her nakedness. It was hard to concentrate with her shifting around, her flesh and bones jiggling here and jutting out there. He tried to think of something that would allow him to hear her while she was like that. He squirmed around underneath the bedspread.

She whipped the towel around herself, tucking it under her armpits and across her breasts and bounced down on the bed beside him.

“I think we need to pull a heist.”

Okay, so sue me. I took a break. I felt guilty about it, but I sort of needed some off-blog time.

Anyway, not much going on. Just waiting for my toe to scab over so I can sheare the sheep. Bless their hearts. They hide out in the cool shack all day and spend the evening grazing. Got to get that fleece off of them in this heat--as soon as I can stand to wear my boots.

Today's installment of Porn and Donuts had salty language and adult situations. Just a warning. These sorts of people use salty language and engage in adult situations. So don't read if it offends, M'kay?


***************************

Back in the room, he sat on the unmade bed and turned on the bedside lamp. When he opened the letter, the odor of White Shoulders escaped, making his eyes water. It smelled like home.

He sneezed a few times before reading: Dear Lucius, I’m so sorry to bother you at work, but it’s been a long time since I heard from you. I’m afraid I have some bad news and the family needs you. Your Granddaddy Otis has passed away. We aren’t sure what to do as he didn’t have no life insurance. I told your sisters we may have to bring you back to help take care of the arrangements since you are the onliest one in the family that could afford to help with the burial and the monument costs. Please call as soon as you get this letter. I’m sorry to have to pull you away from your busy life as a record producer, but we need you here to help pay for Papaw’s funeral. Eight thousand dollars should do it.

His mother scrawled her name, dotting her “i”s with little hearts.

Lucius felt ill. He had lied to his family for years, telling them he was working on the “next big thing” in country music. His family back in Jolo, Kentucky did not questioned why he never sent any money to them, visited in his Mercedes or invited them to stay at his spacious country mansion.

He stared at the letter until Kellie came back. She strolled into the room with bedroom eyes, her pupils dilated. She had crushed one of the oxycontins and snorted it on the way home.

“Good news!” She had an odd combination of dopiness and jitters that comes from snorting enough semi-synthetic opioid in a few seconds to last an entire day. “I got enough cash and oxys to last us a week! And I went ahead and paid Rupert the rent, so he’s happy.”

She crawled on the bed and sat with her legs wrapped around him, spooning into his back with her breasts. When she got no reaction, she rubbed the crotch of his jeans and nuzzled his ear.

“So who shot your dog, honey?”

“I’m in a heap of trouble, Kellie.” Lucius handed the letter over to her.

She took it and lay back on the pillows to read.

“So, your Mommy thinks you have eight thousand dollars to give her.”

“Yep. She thinks I drive a Mercedes and have a big house too.”

“Oh, crap.” Kellie seemed to straighten up and tense when she looked at the return address.

“Oh, crap is about the gist of it.” Lucius hung his head. “Where am I gonna get eight thousand dollars to pay for Granddaddy’s funeral? My momma’s gonna be crushed if she finds out I’ve been lying to her all these years. But what could I tell them? That I clean up poop at a Wild West Dinner Theater? And I cain’t even hold onto that job? Oh, Sweet Jesus, what am I gonna do?”

“Oh, crap.”

Lucius looked up and scraped his fingers across his scalp. “Yeah, you said that already.” He said, turning to look at her.

“No--what I mean is--well, if I’m reading this right--Lucius--” Kellie folded the letter and put it back in the envelope. Her hands shook slightly as she met his eyes.

Lucius stood up and faced her. He stamped on the stained carpet. “What? What, for God’s sake?”

Her dilated pupils made her look sexy, Lucius thought. He was briefly distracted by their moist glassiness.

“No, uh--Lucius, finding eight thousand dollars, a Mercedes and turning you into a record producer isn’t the worst of our troubles.”

Lucius stood there looking at her.

Kellie sucked her bottom lip. “Lucius, we’re first cousins.”

Lucius collapsed into the chair next to the window. He put his head in his hands and groaned.

“Jesus. I’ve lied to my Momma and I’m fucking my cousin. I’m going to hell. I’m just going to hell.”

Kellie produced a bottle of oxys and handed it to him.

“Here. Crush up one of these. It’ll make you feel better.”

I almost forgot today's installment!

I got caught up writing a story I've had percolating in the back of my mind for some time. I did it for The Flash Factory over on Zoetrope. It's a good place to work out first drafts and they give me a weekly prompt that sometimes pulls these stories I keep tucked away in hidden folds of gray matter forward. Anyway, one reviewer already picked up that the story was begging to be longer and I'll probably expand it. Maybe even beyond flash format, but the limit was 750 words.

Anyway, the story I got caught up in today was tailor-made for Anne Johnson. It's about an Appalachian kid who comes home from Tibet to die and has his best friend take him to the summit of Clingman's Dome for a sky burial. Yes, Anne--it's a thinly veiled buzzard worship story. Anne has like a buzzard costume she dresses up in. Crazy about them she is.

Lest you think it unbelievable that a Cocke county native might be in Tibet--we do have world class mountain climbers from here who've been there. Read about them in the paper--Appalachian folk get around. We got opera singers too. So there.

I almost subbed a story to a London group that does readings but the thought of London actors trying to wrap their mouths around this dialect gave me the shudders. The only person there I know who could handle it would be Buffy Holt, and damn--she should be reading her own work. I'm actually quite pleased I've gotten the jump on subbing to journals before Buffy--umm--cause--she's going to wipe the floor with me when she starts subbing. She's my favorite Appalachian writer out in the blogosphere.

Well, let's check in with Lucius and Kelly, shall we?



They stayed at the Happy Mount Hotel, a seedy strip motel, where Lucius kept a room. The neon sign had burnt out in spots so at night it flashed, “Happy Mo--Ho--”.

The cache of sixty hydrocodones did not last long. Kellie held the bottle of hydros to the light and gave it a shake. It was time to get back to “work”. She made a few calls and prepared to take off for the hills in the beat up Fiesta to pay a few visits to some old folks. Lucius kissed her before she left, pulling her to him.

“Baby, you knows I love you!”

“You be good, while mamma’s gone.” She grabbed his crotch and left him standing there, twitching.

Lucius watched some TV in the room. Damn, he loved AFHV. He liked to watch the bits where guys got hit in the nads. Damn, he thought, they just never saw it coming.

With his mood restored and the promise of his girl coming back with some drugs and money, he wandered over to the manager’s office. He had not checked his mail in a few days.

Rupert Mims reclined behind the shabby counter topped with cracked green linoleum. He had dozed off to the buzzing whine of the NASCAR race on his small television set. NASCAR memorabilia decorated the walls with a special place of pride given to a large portrait of Dale Earnhardt with Jesus. Jesus towered in the background with his arms out, embracing the grandstand and track of the Indianapolis Motor Speedway. Dale stood in his racing regalia in front of Number 3. The caption read, “God’s Own Driver, The Father, The Son and The Intimidator”.

Lucius banged on the counter. Rupert gave a snore like a chainsaw failing to start and blinked up at Lucius through eyes buried in the fat of his cheeks. He tugged his shirt down to cover his wide expanse of furry belly and rocked his chair up from a reclining position.

“What’chu want, Lucius? You got some money for me I hope?”

“Not yet, but I’ll have it in a few hours. It’s on the way!”

Rupert gave a snort. “Well, it better be. I can’t keep giving you extra time; it’s not fair to the other tenants who do pay on time. I got a few working girls who’d be glad to have that room of yours.”

“Don’t worry, Rup! Look, have I got any mail?”

Rupert shuffled under the counter for a moment and came up with a bunch of junk mail and one letter.

“Here you go. L. Mantooth Productions…is that you?”

Lucius frowned and accepted the letter. “Yeah, that’s me.”

He looked at the return address. “Yep, it’s from my Momma.”

“Well, good,” Rupert said, “It’s nice to see your old momma writes you now and again. Just make sure you have that rent money in here by tonight.”

Lucius nodded and left the office. He felt a bit of dread as he always did when his mother contacted him.