Smokey Mountain Breakdown

So-- I didn't even turn on the computer yesterday. I'm backtracking to some of my older stories and putting them through hard edits. So, that was what I did yesterday while watching The Prince and Me I and II. I love soppy love stories like that, though I do draw the line at the Lifetime TV movies. When I watch Lifetime, I'm always wondering, "Who are these women?"

I needed yesterday to adjust to life without goats. I appreciate everyone's sympathy about the situation, but they are in such a great place right now that I can't be too upset about it. And Peggy says I can come visit them anytime. They are her babies now and I'm very happy about that. They are all very personable sweet goats and Peggy is a really wonderful person who will dote on them. So...no worries!

Anyway, it's very quiet here and the sheep are lonely. Which is usually a good thing for sheep. I didn't realize how much of their Dutch courage came from the goats.

Here are a few of my favorite headlines from the local paper's Police and Sheriff's reports.

Mercury and Durango tango

Chevy shellacked by Cadillac

Pony pawned off on neighbor
Horse has taken up residence at a neighbors house and the owner won't come get it.

Driver has trouble adjusting to equinox

You booze you lose your keys
So, this guy is at a motel with this woman. They are drinking and when the guy "wakes up" in the wee hours of the morning, the woman has taken off with his car. He can't remember if he gave her the keys or if she just took off with them.

As Bill Engvall is fond of saying...."Here's your sign."

Thief runs away with jogging pants

I'm just so glad it's over for another year. Yes, the two month ordeal that is the Christmas season. Yes, I know there are lots of people who enjoy it and I'm so glad that you do. It just makes me want to curl up in the fetal position and watch foreign films.

The above picture is of Newport's main Christmas display. It's a plywood sleigh drawn by some plywood reindeer. The big above-the-fold headline a week or so back was when somebody took their 12 gauge and bagged themselves one of the plywood reindeer. It looked to be a heart shot, 'cause it knocked the big faux beastie right over on its side. All was well by the time I drove by and snapped this photo. So, I guess I'm not the only one who gets disgusted this time of year. I do have an alibi, so don't ask.

To make matters worse, one of my main forms of entertainment, reading the police and sheriff report headlines, got fairly tame and boring for about two weeks. I was almost as upset as I was by Jon Stewart being sidelined by the writer's strike. But I think my favorite writer must have just been on vacation. Today I was rewarded with:

Hairdryer thief unable to make dry getaway
Another tragic hairdryer theft related incident.


Why cant we all just get along neck?
Another tragic beer theft related incident.

For a good time, always remember to check the Plain Talk's Police and Sheriff report blotter.

I've had my head down this week editing. Not surprisingly, when you write 9000 words of humorous narrative while watching the cartoon network....about 2500 of those words end up being cut. Lots of nasty "be" verbs to deal with. But, P & D now opens like this:

The traffic zinged by like skeeters on crack. Lucius felt pavement, all grit and tar, under him and rubbed his cheek against his pillow. The remaining teeth in his mouth felt like they wore little sweaters. He smacked his tongue on the roof of his mouth where it stuck to the dryness. Sunlight burned through Lucius’ eyelashes and he blinked to clear the sand sticking them together. He sat up on the verge of the interstate at an exit ramp.

Lying on the ground beside him was his pillow, The Lola Delight Inflatable Pleasure Doll with five convenient orifices. He still did not understand why there were five. Three seemed plenty to him.

And that is surely better than whatever passive nonsense I channeled while watching Adult Swim, though it never seems to flow as nicely as the passive nonsense. The passive nonsense sounds just like I speak but no one is interested in buying that. If you are one of my readers, don't get all excited...none of this is up yet and won't be until I whip it into shape. I need to do this before tackling the conclusion.