Monday, December 14, 2009

Sometimes I have this fantasy where I'm not broken. I don't have it often--it makes me fragile and sad more often than not. But sometimes, I like to close my eyes and imagine where life would have taken me if I hadn't had that terrible flu when I was 25--the thing that started the whole SLE spiral downward. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to be breathing. Happy I outlived Flannery O'Connor, happy to see the sun rise. Happy I'm here to share stories with you and have words dancing all around me like snappish puppies.

It may be, that without the SLE, I wouldn't be doing this. I've always known I wouldn't have returned from the UK, but for the breakage. I wanted to get a little place in Normandy, a little pile of rocky Norman farmhouse. I would have had spotty cows and chickens. I might have made artisan cheeses and had a shot of Calvados in my coffee in the morning. My French would have eventually been okay-ish, but I would have always spoken it with a South Carolina accent that made my neighbors wince. I would have ridden my bike into the village each morning for bread, cheese and to see what might be good to fix for dinner that day at the market. I would have had a hard time finding a mechanic to work on that old Morris Minor I used to drive. I suppose my life wouldn't be so different from how it is now, except I wouldn't be broken.

If I was never broken, I would never have stopped dancing. The mysterious falls would not have happened. So I probably would be all crippled up from that by now anyway. Dancers get to where the only time they can move properly is when they are dancing. Not that I was much good at it ever--but it was something I enjoyed intensely and was passionate about. There's something magical about having a body that does what you tell it to do.

I would have traveled much more than I did. Worked--I'm such the workaholic--like a madwoman. Probably managed to get into way more trouble than I did--I'm such the sensualist--never met a physical sensation I didn't want to try--or try out on someone else.

If I weren't broken now, I'd hike to the top of Mt. Cammer and shout my wishes into the wind. I'd dance a crazy dance balancing on the edge of a big rock and threaten to fly. I'd offer myself, a perfect sacrifice to the sky, bare breasted and pink in the cold.

But I am broken. I guess we all are in some way. I just wish I weren't broken in quite this way. And that's how the fantasy of being unbroken usually goes.


  1. Gary Carden said...
    Hey, Rosie!

    I haven't been around for a while, mainly because I am broken, too, and I think I am unrepairable. Diabetic, deaf (but with a cochlear implant) and given to bouts of depression that send me whimpering into dark corners.
    I fall down, too, and it is totally random...well, I do know that I fall down when when those big semis blast their air horns, but usually when two noises compete with each a screaming baby and a jukebox. Just suddenly go sideways. I live alone, so folks usually don't see me fall. But life is good. I watched Dexter this year, read Possession and saw the movie, The Unknown Woman. That makes for a pretty good year! And then I saw that Japanese movie, Ballad of Sarayana and sat around for three days thinking about it. It is snowing today in Sylva and I can't go anywhere except in my head.
    Gary Carden said...
    I left you a long post but it didn't show up. Maybe it was too long.
    Gary Carden
    sighing said...
    Delurking to say I'm sorry for the pain you have.
    But I am also grateful for the pleasure you give.

    I know there are many days when it doesn't seem like a fair trade-and it isn't-but you have touched my life in so many positive ways.

    I raise my glass (mug of coffee) to you Rosie dear!
    A toast for peace and prosperity in the year to come.

    Also Trying To Hold It Together
    Kessa said...
    There are a lot of us 'broken' people. Those of us who touched magnificence and had it snatched away by the failure of our bodies to keep up with our spirits.

    Yet, some, like you, find a way to dance with words. Thank you for making this dance so enjoyable to watch (read).

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