Smokey Mountain Breakdown

We had a heavy rain and some stormy weather two days ago. Things come out of the woods when it rains, I’ve noticed, and I guess something did that night. The sheep were gone Sunday morning.

Yeppers—back down the cliff in the neighbor’s cow pasture.

I spent the first part of the day attempting to catch Rose. This was the plan--I would load up Rose and take her down there on a lead and use her to lure the sheep to a bucket of feed—then lead the sheep back up the hill.

I knew catching Mutton wouldn’t be a problem. And once I had Mutton, Chops would follow.

Brilliant, eh?

What happened was a typical countryside fiasco.

The neighbors have this German Shepherd dog I am in love with. He somehow got Aegis’ personality. His head shape is even oddly like Aegis’ and he’s just the friendliest dog I’ve met since I lost my Yella Fella.

So, Friendly Dog follows me. I realize that Sheep are never going to come to me with Friendly Dog hanging around the jeep begging for pets. Also, Sheep are very delicious looking. I understand that. They are delicious looking to me and I’m not even a dog.

I give Friendly Dog the slip by going around the back way.

All goes well, as planned, and I tie Mutton to the hitch and slowly start inching back home pulling Mutton behind me. I have to stop every so often to get out and check on him. Black-faced Chops is following as planned. Yay—looks like this is going to work!

Just as I’m about to pull out and head back up the mountain—Oh Noes! It’s Friendly Dog!

Friendly Dog decides to help by skillfully using his shepherd genes to cut Chops off from the Sheep caravan. Off goes Black-faced Chops.

Mutton and I make it to the bridge and Friendly Dog comes back, having successfully put Chops back in the pasture he’s not supposed to be in.

At this point, there is no reason to keep Mutton stressed out following the jeep, so I stop and cram his uncooperative sheep ass in the jeep. He’s heavy and not helping at all.

Friendly Dog—who is only doing this for a good snuggle—follows me almost all the way home. I don’t want him knowing where I live, since I have a feeling he’d be hanging out here all the time. I tie him up at another neighbor’s house then call the other neighbors and tell them where he is.

So—I now have Mutton home, but Chops is still down the mountain. Chops is dumber than dirt, impossible to catch and I’m not sure he’s bright enough to make it back up here on his own.

But here’s hoping. May I have two sheep in the yard in the morning.

Tara over at Hobo Stripper tagged me for the Seven Things You Don’t Need to Know About Me Meme. Consider yourself tagged if you’d really like to do this one.

I’m doing a meme today because: a)it’s a rainy foggy day up here on the mountain; b) I have a short story that is pouring out into the laptop from my brain and I need to get back to it; c) I have about 10 hours of otaku goodness sitting in my mailbox from Netflix that is calling to me; and d) a collection of Murakami Haruki short stories I’m luxuriating in.

I’ve already shared with you such intimate details of my life—like being born with a tail and my Mafia boyfriends. Not sure what else there is to tell you.

1. In a desperate attempt to housebreak Max—I peed outdoors to show him how it was done. It sort of worked. He now pees in the bathroom if I leave the door open.

2. My poverty embarrasses me deeply. I feel great shame about it.

3. I was a vegetarian for over half my life.

4. I find beauty in strange places. You probably already figured that out.

5. When I was a kid, my brother enraged and tormented me by chanting, “Roseate Spoonbill”.

6. I consider my greatest failure in this life to be my inability to find a mate.

7. I so want reincarnation to be real. I honestly believe I’m owed a do-over—next time in a chassis that works and the soul I was supposed to run into for #6 walking the planet.

My father’s parents were products of the fin d’siecle—carrying on the Victorian ideal until their deaths in the late 1960’s. I never knew them to call each other anything other than “Mr. Griffeth” and “Mrs. Griffeth”. I often wondered if they ever slipped up in their private moments to call each other by their given names. Even the yellowed love letters I found from 1900 never had a “James” or a “Rita” in them. My Grandmother Rita was well known for her crabapple jelly and I’m sure floral jellies would not have been out of place on her damask covered dining table.

There is something ever so delicate, ever so Victorian and very Southern about floral jellies. They really speak to a bygone era where leisure time was plentiful and entertainment was more than just a hurried dinner party or a restaurant date. To serve a floral jelly, is to serve your own work of edible art.

And they do need to be consumed quickly. Many fruit jellies will keep over the year, but the essences and delicate colors in floral jellies fade over a period of six months. One technique, I will discuss today really must be refrigerated and served quickly.

Jelly is alchemy in the kitchen in a way. It does take a bit of practice to get it right. The recipe I will give you is easy in that it uses commercial pectin. This is much easier than making jelly the old way. You have to use pectin with floral jellies because the blossoms have no pectin of their own.

I haven't done any embedding into the blog before, since it takes so long for me to upload the blog with video. Anyway, I finally found something I couldn't resist. Jimmy is on You Tube! Handling serpents!

Enjoy--I also found their web site. It doesn't come up on the first page of google, but I'm going to link to it and see if we can get their ranking up a bit.

The Edwina Church of God in Jesus' Name

I've taken as really long--for me, anyway--break from writing. Four days without doing any editing or anything has been sort of extreme for me. Well, I say I haven’t been writing, but I have been doing research. I have this story about an Appalachian kid who becomes obsessed with the idea that he is descended from the Chrysanthemum Throne. So, I’ve been brushing up on my Japanese history.

My sister and I had a nice long talk yesterday. She mentioned how much she liked “Ghosts” and I mentioned how I was having such a hard time getting my serious stories accepted. She said just to keep submitting it. You know, I’ve come to the realization that editors really want stories about nothing. They don’t want catharsis, epiphanies or life changing events in the stories. They don’t want Kurt Vonnegut style writing. And—well, you know—bad things often happen to my characters. I’m getting these super nice rejections with great personal comments about how they like the story but are shying away from death elements.

Even the frogs die in my stories. I’m just not sure where to draw the line.

Pastor Jimmy and Pam dropped by today to pick up some gourds. I showed him the one I was working on with my wood burner. He’s going to do a gourd for me. Anyway, I was moaning to him about all of this, since he is, after all a fellow writer—and a published one. He may only have graduated the fifth grade, but he’s the closest friend I have up here who is a bona fide genius.

“Yes,” I said, “as far as I can tell, they want stories about how you go to the grocery store and can’t find what you are looking for. Stuff like that.”

“You mean like Seinfeld.” he said.

“Exactly.”

To understand what I found so funny about this, you will need to go back and read my serpent handling articles. I don’t think Jimmy has a TV—and even he gets this.

I’m just dumber than dirt, I guess.

So, I’m going to start throwing out some stories about nothin’.

I hope everyone had a very happy Easter.

I stopped on my way home the other day, up on the Parkway and took this. There was enough cold up at the higher elevations for the snow to still be flocking the mountaintops.

We were supposed to have some snow this morning but it is just cold and cloudy.

I had the best of intentions for completely churching it up yesterday, but my alarm didn't go off so I missed the Episcopal service in Newport. Sigh. I did manage to make it to Jimmy's for the 1:00 service. The signs followers do not celebrate Easter. They are celebrating Passover on the 20th and will be having a foot washing, so, I don't want to miss that.

Nothing much going on. I did my first taped interview yesterday. They said I did okay.

Has everyone been good little boys and girls? Expecting to find gobs of chocolate at the end of that mysterious trail of flour footprints in the living room? Expecting to see those toothmarks in the carrot you left on the plate before going to bed? Hmmmm?

It is a well known fact that Santa leaves coal in the stockings of those who do not meet his expectations. The Easter Bunny is, of course, a rabbit. Rabbit's aren't known for their long memories, organizational skills or vengeful natures.

That's why the Easter Llama is involved. So, be very, very good. Else you are invited to spend the day with the Easter Llama. You don't want to go there. These animals invented snark.


Disclaimer--Llamas are actually really sweet. They just look imperious, judgmental and as though they are showing off how much longer their eyelashes are than yours.

I couldn't resist doing this forever, I guess. This will be going up on The Friday Ark at the Modulator. Lolcat translations courtesy of Speak Lolcat. Nod to I CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER? If for some odd reason you want to use any of these on your own blog, go ahead, but give me a linkback. The new Technorati is murdering my blog.

I give you--The Baby Lolgoats--courtesy of Betsy at Glastonbury Farm where I spent this afternoon getting my baby goat fix.

I've got a belly full of raw fish and rice and some animes to watch tonight--I tell you, life is good.

A new reader emailed me today with the question I've been waiting to answer since 2003 when I set the blog up.

Lowell writes:

I just found this very interesting website and have been reading and enjoying a lot of the articles but have to wonder why in your narrative you spell "Smoky" the way it is supposed to be spelled (at least the accepted, official spelling), but the heading on the website and at other places throughout, it is incorrectly spelled "Smokey?"

The "Smokey Mountain Breakdown" is the name of an old Appalachian song--a "breakdown" is a type of instrumental arrangement consisting of a series of solos by different instruments on the theme of a melody--like The Foggy Mountain Breakdown or the Bluegrass Breakdown. This particular breakdown was a favorite of my grandfather's and it does have an "e" in the spelling. I used it when I set the blog up because I liked the various connotations in the name...since I basically deconstructed myself when I adopted the mountain lifestyle as my own--much as the melody is deconstructed to create a breakdown arrangement.

They eat the eyes in Morocco, I'm told. Actually, I haven't just been told that--I've seen pictures.

This is about the only time they will cozy up to one another--when there is small ruminant kibble for the offering.

Chops has the most beautiful fleece now. He never got back to that rusty brown color he was when he came here a year ago. I'm guessing that was his first fleece. He's quite a bit younger than Mutton. Mutton's fleece is very dense but looks like a bunch of fiber fill that got tossed in the washer. Chops's is soft and very uniform. I don't know much about fleeces, but I can tell that Chops has the better one. It's almost time to drag them back up on the porch and shear them again. The bags from last year are still back there.

It's the shanks of the month and I am dreaming of having lean protein and fresh vegetables to eat again. I swear, I've been craving salmon sashimi in the worst way imaginable. I can just see the stuff sliding off my fillet knife.

Cartoon Network is showing one of my favorite Miyazaki films tonight at 7:00. Howl's Moving Castle is a really delightful film that your kids will love and it won't be a stretch at all for you to enjoy it as well. Christian Bale voices Howl in the English dub. Trust me--you will love this anime.

I've been watching the stunning Otogizoshi--gorgeous animation and story, but not for the under 14 set. It's about a warrior princess and is full of Noh dancing and historical references in the first arc of the story. Also, very dynamic fight scenes and the corresponding gore that goes with them.

Happy Sunday.

In many ways we've lost touch with that desperate springtime longing for fresh green things that only living an agrarian life based on self sufficiency engenders. If we want a salad or fresh greens, we just go to the supermarket and buy them. Consider what it is like to have nothing but cabbage, because that stores well buried in the root cellar, for the entire winter. Some time in late February, the creasy greens get large enough to cut. By this point your body is craving the vitamin C punch these things carry and no matter how old you are, you are eager to have your first plate of greens.

Greens are almost always cooked here. Green salads don't seem to be as common and the old timers almost always saute or wilt the black-seeded Simpson lettuce they grow in the gardens.

Creasy's grow low to the ground and are a many lobed wild mustard green that is distantly related to water cress.. You can tell when you taste them in the field by their hot bite. You find them in unploughed fields and fallow areas. You cut them with a knife, leaving the root system intact for the next year's growth. They self seed very nicely and will even grow indoors well. The seeds are available from several heirloom seed sites if you'd like to sew you a patch. They'll grow just about anywhere.

Traditionally, you blanch the greens in boiling water for a few minutes, then drain them. Then you fry up some chucks of bacon and smother onions and ramps(if they are available). Saute the drained greens in this mixture, tossing all the ingredients well.

If you want to fancy this up, substitute prosciutto for the bacon, smother your onions in clarified butter, toss all together and top with feta or goat cheese.

I like them chopped raw and spicy in my salads--I fancy a mess right about now.

Under the direction of Andrea Lewis' Cocker Rescue in southeast Ohio, a placement was found for this guy in Chattanooga. As soon as the plans were in place to get him transported and dozens of people were involved in the pulling, transport and eventual placement of this guy--some angel walked into the shelter and adopted him. Everyone was very happy to call off the plans and we hope he and his new family enjoy a long and happy life together.

If you are that angel, drop me an email privately and let me know how he's doing. We all fell more than a little in love with him during this.

Anyway, I've been busy trying to catch up on my submissions all week. I've got about 25 out right now. If I can keep it at 30 cycling between the long responders and the short responders that should be sufficient. At least, that's the plan.

I'm thinking of doing another story cycle in May. I need to concentrate on neutral or upbeat stories for a bit. The majority of the stories I see printed in the literary journals are of this type. They don't engage the reader on an emotional level. They strive to engage the reader mentally and to be memorable--just not too memorable. They are fairly formulaic in that they start with a mundane circumstance, add an extraordinary or unusual event, then bring the narrator or protagonist back to a steady state. Half the time they don't bring the character to a steady state and just leave the story hanging--like the writer just stopped writing. The protagonist is changed very slightly--or not at all. What is to be interesting in this type of story is the protagonist's psychological contortions to the unusual event.

Yes, I find all this boring too. But I've read hundreds of published stories with this formula in the past few months. I'm not sure my voice is even capable of writing this type of story--and my everyday life is not terribly full of mundane circumstances using urban standards. I would need to time travel back to my life in the cities to get the sort of things I would need to write like this.

At any rate, I have a few months to think about this. I should make an effort I suppose.

I am so Meme'd out at this point--and I still have two more to go. After I get this spate of memes done, I will only recognize the meme-er--M'Kay? At least for a while.

I received some odd critiques of my work on some of my workshopping sites and I needed to back off before I used my powers for evil. So, I decided to pay attention to my submissions and get them back up to speed this past week. The roughs I generated over February needed polishing--there is always editing.

Anyway, I had a very happy Sunday, cause I got a piece accepted hours after I sent it out. Just in time for an attitude adjustment for the better!

I like seeing this when I sign into Duotrope:

Since I am forever being tagged with these things, I have decided to come up with my own bit of circulating nuisance nonsense.

I give you:

The Food Porn Meme!



Here are the really simple rules. Answer each of the five questions. Tag five bloggers you would like to pass the meme to. Have them link back to you and to this post as the source meme. You and they can take the graphic from here if they like.

1. What food do you consider the best “date” food? In other words, what meal or food item do you think is sexiest to eat in the company of someone you would like to look sexy around?

2. What well-known person would you like to share a meal with—with or without clothing. (saying whether or not clothes are involved is optional).

3. What does your perfect breakfast-in-bed look like? (Food AND the details, please. Candles? Music? Flowers? Hot tub? Dancing girls?

4. What do you consider the best application of whipped cream to be?

5. Oh-God-No, Biff, the yacht is sinking! You are sent to the galley to retrieve the food. What luxury food items do you snatch first? The champagne? The caviar? Smoked Salmon? Truffles? Chocolate? Or something else?

I will tag the following folks, but if you are dying to do this meme feel free to pick it up and run with it.

1. Erica at Erica’s Blog
2. Belledame at Fetch Me My Axe
3. Hayden at Lyric Flight
4. Kazari at I think I have a recipe for that
5. Anne at The Gods Are Bored
6. Betsy at Glastonbury Farm

Others I’d LOVE to see pick this up in addition to those five(cause I'm curious!) that I’ve already tagged in some way or another this week:

1. Sue at Sue Do-Nim
2. Jbeeky at Karen Road Chronicles

So, I charge you—go forth and spread this naughty food meme about the internet! I dare you!

Missy over at The House of Flying Monkeys gave me the E for Excellence Award on February 20th offering these very kind words:

Excellent writer, talks about upper east Tennessee with a love and respect that the people from there don’t even show. Talented, funny, and crazy, because she left my future retirement home of Hilton Head/Bluffton and moved to Del Rio/Grassy Fork. What can you say but that she’s nuts! OBTW she also introduced me to Caleb and the Newport Plain Talk Police Report… damned funny stuff!

Bonnie over at Frogma awarded me this on February 16th because she really loved Holiness Cake Lady. I’m a bit confused as to whether or not I’m really entitled to the award. It originates from The Shameless Lions Writers Group.

Shameless says: Those people I've given this award to are encouraged to post it on their own blogs; list three things they believe are necessary for good, powerful writing; and then pass the award on to the five blogs they want to honour, who in turn pass it on to five others, etc etc. Let's send a roar through the blogosphere! The image above can be copied and pasted onto other blogs. Also, a small size of the award for sidebars can be found over at the writing circle site.

1. The powerful writer exhibits a good grasp of language that surpasses grammar and usage—powerful writing seduces the reader with active verbs, direct nouns and intense, but sparing metaphors and similes.

2. Like Maupassant, I believe powerful stories have a beginning, middle and end—riveting leads, voluptuous middles and satisfying dénouements. They are a richly textured strata of words.

3. Powerful writing is memorable. There is an aftertaste that hangs in the mind like a sip of dark roast Ethiopian coffee lingers on the back of the throat. Such writing follows you around for a while.

Folks have been so nice and giving me all sorts of memes Awards! over the month of February while I've been deep in my moody writer's funk. So--I'm going to spend a few days to a week catching up on who's loving me now!

First up, I'd just like to acknowledge ThreeCollie over at Northview Diary, for being so kind as to plug the Short and Sweet Story Month. She posted on February 8th and helped let people know. And as all you guys know--people should go ahead and read them now, because you never know when I'm going to take them down to throw into edit status. ThreeCollie has a wonderful rural blog coming out of her New York State dairy farm. Lots of great cow and ag stuff.

Colleague Val Gryphyn over at her writing site honored me with a High-Five on February 15th.

The purpose of this meme is to give high-fives to 5 people, posts, blogs and/or websites you’ve admired during the week, so who are YOUR High-Fives? Post them to your blog and then Share the love.

In no particular order:

1. Arse Poetica, sent me over to one of my new favorite places--Barack Obama Is Your New Bicycle. When I first went there, he was so nice that he saved his dessert for me. Just now--he mailed me a Valentine! Okay, it's late, but it's the thought that counts.

2. DC Comictician on Star Trekiology is what happens when a fundamentalist religious sect springs up around the worship of DC Comics and the Star Trek franchise. The blog posts have eerie correlations to current events. If you haven't tasted Elvis Drinkmo's coolaid--go on over there and get yourself a big ole dixie cup.

3. If you love my stories--you'll adore The Moonlit Road.

'Cause it's purty. And I lourves it.

Happy Sunday

It's been a really good year for the gourds. My gourd patch produced a bunch of really nice gourds with barely any spoilage. I'm not sure if it was the dry weather, or what. But it has been a really good year and I'm pleased with what I've brought onto the porch to keep out of the weather.

I remembered that some of you really some of the gourd art I had done in the past. The one on the left, I did for an artist in South Carolina. I like best working with gourds I've grown myself because I like the irregularities the mold causes. Most people who grow gourds dip them in bleach to retard that.

I brought a few gourds inside to strip and do some tests with and I'm really pleased. I cut this little test bowl from one of the smaller ones. The walls are over a quarter inch thick and there's no warp at all on the bowl's edge. I'm playing with some dyes and paints to see what I want to do with them. I'll probably do bowls with the smaller ones. The insides are really nice and silvery/velvety. Gourds make a sort of shiny paper inside. Sometimes they smell really bad, but these smell really nice.