Monday, April 23, 2007

A Friend Scott Story ~ Part 1
A Friend Scott Story ~ Part 2

She weaved and staggered despite the support of the men. Scott and Buddy wedged her in through the door while Mitch held the screen door open.

They hadn't formed a clear plan as to what to do with her once they got her in the house.

Their eyes looked desperately at the furniture as they stood there supporting the massive drunk woman.

She was sagging on their shoulders and the men made a stagger toward the sofa.

"Crap, No!" Mitch said, "She'll bleed all over the sofa. Shelly will kill us all!"

So they lurched over towards a big wingback.

"Not there, damnit!" Mitch said, his eyes frantic.

"What the hell do we do with her? Hurry up, son! She's a biggun!"

Mitch disappeared into the laundry room and picked up a pile of clean towels that had been awaiting folding from the dryer.

He draped the seat of the blue Naugahyde lazy boy recliner with towels and pointed to it.

"There...drop her there, boys!"

Buddy and Scott backed Peggy into the big chair and released her. She fell back hard and the chair's footrest shot out like a see-saw leaving Peggy with her legs sprawling the sides and leaving the injured part of her anatomy peeking out from the hopeful modesty of her skirt.

"Oh, sweet Jesus!" Scott moaned, turning away.

Buddy grabbed a towel and forcefully threw it at the barely covered cooter.

Peggy's head lolled against the reclining back of the recliner and she kept mumbling, "My cooter...hurt the cooter...bwaaah."

The three men stood there breathing hard with exertion and panic.

"Shelly keeps the first aid kit under the sink, Buddy...Could you get it?" Mitch said.

Buddy retrieved the little white box. Mitch opened up the first aid kit and laid out some gauze and some betadine on a towel on the coffee table. He murmured to himself as he did this, "We just gotta get her cleaned up then we's can get her out of here. Get her out of here. Yes we can. We can do this. "

Mitch hands Buddy a hand towel and says, "Here ya go."

Buddy looks at the hand towel like it's a snake.

"What?! Are you crazy?!" Buddy says, ashen. "I can't touch her! Louella would kill me!"

Louella is Buddy's fiancee. Her momma can out-Baptist anyone on the mountain. Buddy knew he was risking damnation from his beloved's family by merely being in the same room with Peggy.

Buddy and Mitch face off and their eyes lock. Both knew they couldn't possibly doctor Peggy without incurring the considerable wrath of the womenfolk. They scowl at each other over the first aid supplies then they both widen their eyes in one of those moments of silent mutual resolution.

They both turn their eyes to Scott.

"He's gay...let him do it!" They both say in the same breath.

Scott turns even paler than before. Buddy throws the offending hand towel to him. Scott catches it and stares at its whiteness with horror.

"I can't do this." he whispered hoarsely.

Peggy moans from the lazy boy. "You'uns my friends. I love you'uns...I really do." Then she starts to cry again.

Mitch adopts a look frustrated sympathy. "Well, we sure as shit cain't! Come on, a man, for God's sake. Be a gay man!"

Scott slowly approached with the towel. He reached a tentative hand out to remove wadded up towel that Buddy had thrown to cover Peggy and replaced it with the hand towel, averting his eyes.

Peggy reached out and grabbed Scott's hand and ground it with the towel between her legs. She giggled drunkenly and looked at him with bleary eyes. The painkillers she had taken previously were obviously kicking in and said cooter was in less discomfort than before.

"Argh...uh...uh...uh!" Scott's eyes flew open in panic.

"Damnit, Peggy!" Buddy snapped. "Be-damn-have! We are tryin' to help you here."

He slapped her hand away from Scott's. Scott stood there shaking. Buddy matter-of-factly poured the betadine on the gauze 4 X 4s and handed them to Scott.

"You need to paint some of this on it." He said with the surety of one who has attended many a large animal veterinary operation.

"Aw, fuck it!" Scott finally broke. He grabbed the entire betadine bottle and squirted the antiseptic in the general direction of the cooter. He sopped up the excess with the hand towel.

"There!" Scott blurted with anger. "Damn cooter is fucking painted. Are you happy now!"

Peggy burbled and giggled again. "Yes, you'uns my good friends. Wanna party?"

She gave her breasts a little jiggle. It was her signature move.

1 Comment:

  1. johnieb said...
    I trust there's a part 4 coming. You oughta do daytime, hon; you're the Agnes Nixon of the Smokey Mountains.

    My: who did what to me today?

Post a Comment