Friday, September 14, 2007

Sorry. Nothing.


The truth is that I am battling depression on a scale that I've not had to deal with in many years.

I have deadlines that I will honor. But I just need a little sweetness in my life. I want a little surcease from the pain.

It's my birthday this weekend and I spent my last 20 bucks on dog food for the boys. All I really want to do is curl up in the fetal position and watch animes for about 20 hours straight. But, of course, Netflix has an absurd turn around time. I can't seem to stop crying. I appear to have lost one of my very dearest friends, someone I've been seeing every week practically since I lived here. It is a huge and substantial loss to me.

I'm feeling more certain that I need to sell this place and find somewhere even more remote. Someplace where people can't reach me at all.

Anyway. I'm sorry I don't have any food for you today. Friend Scott is coming over to feed me pizza and make sure I don't do anything harmful to myself.

Something is wrong with Max.

All I wanted was perhaps a pig for my birthday to eat up the stick plants. And now all I want is for the disasters to stop. Please stop.


  1. samuel said...
    I'm sorry you feel bad and wish you anime to your heart's content. I hope you can feel better soon.
    Wanda said...
    This comment has been removed by the author.
    Wanda said...
    I'm sorry you're sad. I am too. I don't have anything else to offer.
    threecollie said...
    I am so sorry for your loss and all the trials that are besetting you....I hope things turn around and that you feel better after sharing pizza with your dear friend.
    Cindy said...
    Hi, I'm a new reader over from Feministe. Just wanted to say hello, I've been there, trust in those you're close to, and you'll come through the other side.
    bluemountainmama said...
    oh, rosie..... wish i could give you a big hug! as one who has struggled with depression in my life, i know the pain you are going through.

    i'm so glad you have your dear friend, scott.... he sounds like a very true and loving soul.

    don't give in, dear.... that's what the devil would love. there is light and beauty and strength that you probably don't even know about dwelling deep in your soul that wants to emerge. maybe look at this as a time of being in a chrysalis..... but don't run away. i've tried......and it doesn't help.

    "Weeping may endure for a night,
    but Joy Comes in The Morning....."
    -Psalm 30:5
    that will be my prayer for you.....

    and Birthday wishes from these applachian hills to yours.... if i were closer, i'd take you out for some pork BBQ and ribs! and of course, cake!

    take care..... and i MEAN it!!!!
    belledame222 said...
    Oh, no. I'm so sorry to hear that, Rosie. ((hugs)) and light your way.

    listen, drop me an email if you want to, okay? I can listen, at least. bel4 AT earthlink DOT net.
    Trinity said...
    Hey. Don't know you, but just thought I'd send some positivity your way and e-hugs if wanted.

    Hang in there.
    kactus said...
    Hang in there. Eat good food, listen to sweet music, and know you have people out here thinking of you.

    And you know, like they say, this too shall pass. Never as quickly as we would like, but it will, eventually.
    kazari_lu said...
    oh rosie,
    hugs for you.
    i'd like to say something comforting and useful, but i know how hollow any words sound when life is like that.
    i'll be thinking of you.
    Kim said...
    I wish I had something more to give you than words in a comment box. If if helps ANY, I've been perhaps in similar spots and they pass. It gets better. So sorry you're feeling so unhappy, R.
    antiprincess said...

    birthdays can be depressing. you're not alone, at least in that.

    sorry to hear about you losing your best friend. that sounds pretty traumatic.
    Peggy said...
    Hang in there! If we didn't have the lows we wouldn't enjoy and appreciate the highs. You have so many friends and we all think you are awesome. When one hurts or walks away thats their loss, think of all the many others that love and appreciate you. Hugs my friend and Happy Birthday!
    Tara said...
    Oh, honey. Im sorry you're so sad.

    *hugs* and sweetness...
    Audubon Ron said...
    Way big hugs to you. Way big hugs.

    Good news, I’m a proud father. I went to the duck pen and low and behind, two duck eggs. I thought they’d be small, but NO, they are the size of a VW.

    It’s my wife’s birthday this weekend too. Mine in seven more days. I’m running into a lot of Virgo/Libra type bloggers. Is this a trend?

    Golly, what to say, you are special. Way big hugs to you and happy birthday.

    Zan said...
    I'm so very sorry you're feeling like this. It seems trite to say I've been there myself, but when it was my cats that literally saved my life, I really have. It sucks :(
    Curl up, even if you can't have your anime, and hug your furry babies tight. And let your friend take care of you. Having a friend willing to do that is proof that not everything is wretched.

    I'll say a prayer for you, if you don't object.
    Anonymous said...
    hang in there. it will pass.
    Maridmitch said...

    Again, I don't want to sound trite,
    But "I've been there" with depression myself.

    You need to rule out any medical basis for it, and given your health challenges, that could be tough.

    I enjoy your blog--you hang in there!

    Jbeeky said...
    Oh Rosie, I am so sorry things are tough right now. Feel better and know we all think you are the best!
    Cathe said...
    I really enjoy reading your blog, but I have a hard time reading it with the instrument and the black background.
    Sure hope you feel better soon.
    DaisyDeadhead said...
    I am so sorry, Rosie.

    I rarely get deeply depressed, but I am subject to a certain mindless ennui wherein tedious, petty habits and neurotic repetitions set in. I chalk it up to autumn birthdays.

    Autumn is a time of death and dying-off in Hinduism/Ayurveda, paganism, syncretic Christianity (Day of the Dead),'s not a traditional "birth-time", as spring is.

    Thus, all Virgos, Libras and Scorpios are born existentially ass-backwards, and remain so forever after. We are constantly playing spiritual catch-up. (Think about it! It explains plenty.)

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