Thursday, January 03, 2008
I'm just so glad it's over for another year. Yes, the two month ordeal that is the Christmas season. Yes, I know there are lots of people who enjoy it and I'm so glad that you do. It just makes me want to curl up in the fetal position and watch foreign films.
The above picture is of Newport's main Christmas display. It's a plywood sleigh drawn by some plywood reindeer. The big above-the-fold headline a week or so back was when somebody took their 12 gauge and bagged themselves one of the plywood reindeer. It looked to be a heart shot, 'cause it knocked the big faux beastie right over on its side. All was well by the time I drove by and snapped this photo. So, I guess I'm not the only one who gets disgusted this time of year. I do have an alibi, so don't ask.
To make matters worse, one of my main forms of entertainment, reading the police and sheriff report headlines, got fairly tame and boring for about two weeks. I was almost as upset as I was by Jon Stewart being sidelined by the writer's strike. But I think my favorite writer must have just been on vacation. Today I was rewarded with:
Hairdryer thief unable to make dry getaway
Another tragic hairdryer theft related incident.
Why cant we all just get along neck?
Another tragic beer theft related incident.
For a good time, always remember to check the Plain Talk's Police and Sheriff report blotter.
I've had my head down this week editing. Not surprisingly, when you write 9000 words of humorous narrative while watching the cartoon network....about 2500 of those words end up being cut. Lots of nasty "be" verbs to deal with. But, P & D now opens like this:
The traffic zinged by like skeeters on crack. Lucius felt pavement, all grit and tar, under him and rubbed his cheek against his pillow. The remaining teeth in his mouth felt like they wore little sweaters. He smacked his tongue on the roof of his mouth where it stuck to the dryness. Sunlight burned through Lucius’ eyelashes and he blinked to clear the sand sticking them together. He sat up on the verge of the interstate at an exit ramp.And that is surely better than whatever passive nonsense I channeled while watching Adult Swim, though it never seems to flow as nicely as the passive nonsense. The passive nonsense sounds just like I speak but no one is interested in buying that. If you are one of my readers, don't get all excited...none of this is up yet and won't be until I whip it into shape. I need to do this before tackling the conclusion.
Lying on the ground beside him was his pillow, The Lola Delight Inflatable Pleasure Doll with five convenient orifices. He still did not understand why there were five. Three seemed plenty to him.
Thank you for the link to the police reports. You're right, there's a writer there with a very wry and dry sense of humor.
Sounds like someone you'd like to have a conversation with, doesn't it?
what's up with Lucius?? :)
.... Happy New Year to you and yours..... and hey, you need to come down here so that we can arm you properly to live near Newport.....
..... according to the news it is cockfights-a-go-go up there right now...... and hey, that shit aint safe....... you need a hogleg in a big, big way.......
Thank you for your concern, Anon. Yes, I'm aware of Cocke county's reputation...deserved or undeserved. I find Newport to be a thoroughly charming little town with a great library and some very interesting history. I have no problem leaving my firearm at home when I go to town.
It's not nearly as "dangerous" as where I actually live. I've been here six years and any trouble I've suffered originated with outsiders...not locals.
The cockers are keeping a low profile right now. I know many of them and they aren't nearly as scary as they are painted in the media. In fact, I quite like the ones I've met and enjoy listening to their stories.
Whoa, the doll thing. Whoa.