Smokey Mountain Breakdown

Some things in this post are completely true. Some are completely false.

Really, I was quite happy being completely unaware of what sort of garbage was circulating about me on the mountain. But, of course, since I met Friend Scott, I am privy to all of that nonsense whether I want to be or not. See, Friend Scott hears all the dirt—and there is lots of it. When people run out of real things to talk about here, they make stuff up. And you always know who originated the nonsense. Spreading gossip here is sort of like holding up the convenience store in your own small hometown when you went to high school with the cashier.

Cop: So, did you recognize the thief?

Cashier: Hell, yes! Joe Bob took me to the prom. His Momma goes to church with my Momma. You can probably find him over at Nat’s Market about now. He always eats lunch there about this time….

Doesn’t matter how many pairs of pantyhose you put over your head if you are wearing your letter jacket.

So, anyway, someone with limited understanding of exactly how Google Maps works is saying that I went to the courthouse to get aerial photographs of everyone’s house. In some alternate universe, this is supposed to help me sell my own house.

That’s just silly. Everyone knows you only do that when you buy a house and why waste gas when you can hop on the bird right from your home computer and get pictures from space? Sure, it may take a little time to call your buddy at the Pentagon and pull everyone’s FBI file and check all their aliases against the sexual offender database—but that’s ancient history now. I did all that six years ago.

Second to malicious gossip is most likely--boring gossip.

So—I’m going to offer some juicy tidbits about myself that may or may not be true. Spread at your own peril.

1. I was born with a tail and it makes finding clothes to fit difficult. That’s why I wear black turtlenecks and sweatpants so much. I won't lie to you--it does tend to chafe a bit.
2. I was born with a tail but they removed it and I keep it next to my bed in a jar.
3. When I was a teenager, my friends and I would go out in a boat at night shark fishing. We’d chum the water and then go swimming on a dare.
4. I kissed Superman and he kissed me back.
5. When they took my appendix out they found an eyeball and mouth attached to it. The appendix had burst and the little mouth was frozen in a scream. They said I’d eaten my twin in the womb.
6. I once scrinched a squirrel with my teeth.
7. I have four nipples. The extra two are lots smaller than the main ones.
8. I was chased by a gator and outran it.
9. I kept my own last name when I got married. His last name was Posey--can you blame me?
10. I dated a Mafia hit man. We’ve kept in touch. He’s a really nice guy except for the killing thing.
11. I was abducted by aliens once and they gave me a special name. What that is, I can’t tell you. Okay, I could, but they planted a chip that turns me into a relentless killing machine if I do.
12. I’m going to Dog Heaven. God told me this in a vision when he explained why "dog" is "God" spelled backwards.